past, present and future...

dear upside down..
there is something that i want to tell you..
its about grandma..

it has been a month since the holiday started and it'll end soon..
i think, i've do nothing at home..particularly having some inner self crisis..
having only grandma at home, really make my ears suffer a bit..
anyway, when I opened the old album yesterday, i saw something that would make my eyes covered with tears..
since I was at 2 years old, my grandma took care of me instead of my parents..
and having just a friends that can be counted by fingers, i could say that my life full of empty spaces..feel like my life is always alone..and i'm always scare of that words..its really tough for a weak person like me..but then grandma always supported me..

she always put herself second, after 11 years grandpa's gone..she sacrificed a lot for my sake..also on top of being poor, she took in her grandson and raised him, that would make anyone particularly about money, rm300 per month would hard to raise a boy like me...again, for poor family, money is everything..

so, since primary school i've started to think that i'm going to pay back what she'd sacrificed for me..upsr, pmr n spm..i did them at my own best, but i felt like i did it for my ownself..I care most about my self.. everytime i went home, probly she will keep some money for me as my pocketmoney, duit pencen, money she got from her son and daughter, she will keep them for me as she knows i probably need it.. she knows, we are not coming from comfortable family, i went to school by scholarship that i got, and its not enough though since i've to pay the yuran from that money, plus its not just the yuran, books, clothes and other needs.. so she asked help from uncle and aunt to give me a hand, she knows she couldn't do it on her own but she still...
and since i got a chance to do medical program abroad, she started to worry and last few months i know, at her age, worrying something especially about someone who closed to her is going far away from her for about few years, would extremely make her sad, but i ddnt even think of it..
besides, she started to forget things..since last year, i discovered that probably she started to suffer from dementia..I'm scared that one day she'll forget my name..plus my neighbours also told me that, she will fall if she stand too long and they have to send her home everytime it happened when she's going somewhere..
she..suffered it all alone..

I care about myself, if my grandma was important, then i would have heard every single things what she wants to say, if i'm truly worried, then I should stay at least a little bit longer with her at home rather than always outside. But i, didnt do that. I wont be able to do that. I care the most about myself rather than take care of her. the makcik that lives next to my house said, my grandma told her when i was back to school, 'makcik rasa sangat sunyi, Azim keluar kerja awal pagi tapi balik tengah malam..Ariff bila balik bercuti bukan lekat kat rumah..' I know she cares a lot about me but at the very last, I find that I care the most about myself. Though at time I got confused as to what is the most important. But I know what i'm going to do..i..decided to fulfill her dream..she once said..'my grandchild is going to be a doctor, and he always struggle on his own since child'.. and I've nothing to say..just take good care of yourself and thank you for everything that you've done for me..I'm going to treasure it forever..hopefully God will help u..
when I'm down, probably these words will twist around in my head..i feel like a drama but its reality..'tok tak ada harta nak bagi kat hang, yang ada sebidang tanah tu ja..apa yang tok boleh bagi..tak ada..belajarlah elok-elok..nanti dapat kerja bagus-bagus boleh jaga mak, tok mungkin dah tak ada masa tu'..

erm..i think i'm going to stop for now..
cant continue..
later